Proclamation of a Pseudo-Professional
Proclamation, defined as, "a public and official announcement." Deep, isn't it? This post has been stewing for weeks, whether I knew it or not.As always, there's no order or structure to my post, but rather an outflow of thoughts that have been shooting around in my brain for a while and just need a place to go. I'd rather my clients not see this, so to lbobi I ran.
DISCLAIMER: I do want you to know, before reading this, I am insanely passionate about what I do. I don't put myself out there as something I'm not, and I don't wish I didn't do this job. I absolutely love it and I'm always honored and humbled every time someone compliments me, and even more so when I get hired. This is not a "I hate myself" or even, despite what it sounds like, a "I suck" post. I love photography. I LOVE weddings. I'm just in a rut, and needed to vent.
Sometimes, and by sometimes (lately) I mean often, I have the hardest time considering myself - and even more so, my work - professional. There it is. It's on the internet. No matter how much I try and eat my words, it is out there. Whether or not the mayor of lbobi deletes the post or keeps it, its shadow lives on forever. I am not confident in my work. I didn't even realize this until last weekend when I literally said to myself, "Oh man, her cousin has a 5D Mk II and a 27-70 f/2.8L?!? I hope he doesnt' get better shots than I do. Wouldn't that be awkward?!" Sometimes, I count my work only as pseudo-professional.
Let's rewind.
About a year and a half, two years ago, I started taking portraits. I loved it. I knew I wasn't good (please don't take the time to double check my initial skill level, it'll turn your stomach over how bad it was), but I enjoyed it. Over time, I started taking more and more pictures, people started to pay me, and then it happened. A friend in distress asked me to shoot their wedding, they were in a bind. I spent literally a week debating, and finally said yes.
I'm SO glad I did. It's opened the door to a profession I love and am very passionate about. As I started getting more and more into photography, I realized more and more that I was clueless, and wanted to learn from the best. SO, to the blog-stalking addiction I went. I found photographers that inspired me with their work, their emotion, their depth, and their talent. I used this inspiration not to mimmick, but to try and learn.
Fast foward back to around this very moment. I've been shooting all summer and loving every (not every) minute of it. Ok, another confession: headshots suck. I hate doing them. anyways....
I have surrounded myself with some of the best photographers in different ways. Some of which are photographers in my area (Central Arkansas) which I have had an AWESOME time learning from and becoming friends with. Other photographers of higher fame I would consider friends in the business, like Jeff and Allison. Though the feelings may not be mutual, haha! I wouldn't put them down as a reference, but if someone asked if I knew them, I'd refer to them as some of my photographer friends. Other shooters I play words with friends with (which, by the way, I've just about had my yearly quota of that game), like the Sloans, and blog-stalk them as well. Finally, I also blog stalk other, in my opinion, modern day greats, such as Tony Hoffer, Chenin Boutwell, Sean Flannigan, etc, etc, etc.
The point of all of that is I am constantly looking at, dissecting, and being moved by the works of literally the nation, and arguably the globe's best photographers. Then...I go to do touch ups on mine. It's the most discouraging thing. I'm constantly forcing myself to charge a decent rate, but sometimes it's hard. It's hard to charge for something I'm not proud of, greatly because of my knack for comparing myself to and expecting myself to produce perfection. Because of that, I could very easily be one of those photographers who have blog posts titles "QUIT DOING CHEAPO WEDDINGS YOUR KILLING OUR INDUSTRY" titled for.
And it'd be really easy to say, "Well, maybe wedding photography isn't your thing." It is. I love it. EVERY wedding I've ever shot, been in, seen, or saw pictures of, when I see the look of the mother of the bride and mother of the groom as they leave the venue, I get choked up. I love every part of the process, from client meeting to album design and everything else in between. It's not that I hate my job by ANY stretch of the imagination. I'm just in a rut I guess you could say. Maybe I need to realize that not everyone is going to be the nation's top 10 photographers, even though I want to do photography with excellence. Being hyper-self-critical and a perfectionist isn't easy.
Pity party is now over.
If you've been here before, where you look at your work and dont know what it is about it, but you just dont impress yourself, I'd love to know your story.
If you're here now, know you're not alone.
If I am alone, that's fine. I'm not looking for hand outs, i'm not looking for compliments. I just needed an outlet.
Thanks for reading. I'm off to clean my lenses, I'm shooting an old friends wedding this weekend near Memphis. I'm super excited about it! Just hoping to shed the secret, self-inflicted "pseudo" soon.
Thank you for posting this.
I think everyone feels like a hack sometimes. Well, I hope people occasionally feel like a hack because I certainly do. I think it's a universal truth, you are your own worst critic.
Austin for what it's worth I think you are a good photographer.
I could have written this post! Thanks Austin. As a relative noob, i struggle with these same issues every day.
Austin, I know we have talked a little bit about this before and again I would like to throw my "Amen" in there.
I think that as relative new comers to the photography industry we have to have realistic expectations of ourselves. Either that, or we don't value the experience of those photographers that have many years of experience under there belt. While, I know I would like to be able to put images next to the Mayor's or whoever's and be able to step back and smile, I have to remind myself that a year ago I didn't know what I was doing. Literally. I am also constantly reminded of how much I don't know because at every wedding I find myself learning something, usually because something didn't work out.
Lastly, I'm am 100% sure that most of my clients don't know anything about any of the photographers that I look up to. Meaning the comparison between myself and Kelly Moore Clark only exists in my head, not my clients'. I have to believe, whether it's true or not, that my clients liked my work enough to consider me to capture their wedding. I think that means that I only have to live up to their expectations of me, which they formed by looking at my previous work.
Austin,
I think your feelings transcend industry. As a programmer, I often compared my work to that of established icons of that industry, and often found myself lacking (in my own mind) in comparison.
When creating portraits, I expect to produce works as compelling as Annie Leibovitz's, or Bambi Cantrell's. If I were to photograph a wedding, I would expect myself to produce as good a work as David Ziser would do. When I take landscapes, my goal is (of course) to be as good as Ansel Adams...note that I expect to be as good as, but not the same as.
These are just expectations. I've learned over the years that setting expectations can be a double-edged sword, but if you sword in the right direction, you can drive yourself to new heights. So, while I still expect to be as good as the icons, I understand that it takes experience, learning, and preparedness. I soak up books, I search out the best pictures to study. I look for Rembrandts and Da Vincis to study. All those things that art school graduates did in their 4 or 5 years in school...
I won't meet my expectations if I don't drive myself ever onward. I do, however, expect to exceed my subjects' expectations. Hearing the "oh, that's NICE!", or the "I REALLY Love that one!", about works that I've created is intensely gratifying--not because it validates my worth, but because it means I've brought a small bit of joy to somebody's life. And that's what this is all about, for me.
So, no, you're not alone! All of us that take pride in our work feel that way, regardless of making images, creating programs, or framing a house. Listen to your clients to judge where you are now, and keep pushing yourself onward to get where you want to go.
In the end, it's all about bringing light to the darkness. Just be sure to leave a few shadows!
Matt
"Buck up little camper, we'll beat that slope." – Charles De Mar from the movie Better Off Dead
I think most everybody goes through periods of malaise but I do think it impacts creative people harder than most. I used to think to myself that I'd lost whatever muse I may have had only to find that another project would come along and reinvigorate me and my passion. Is it possible you have other things going on to give you stress? That may impact your work and your view of how well it has turned out. I've been in graphic design for almost 12 years and I go through periods like this 2-3 times a year at least. So at least take solace in the fact that you aren't alone as we all seem to experience the same feelings.
Being a creator and having these periods is both a blessing and a curse I think. On one hand it is one of the driving forces that motivates you to do better than the last time and not to rest on your laurels. On the other hand you are eternally your own worst critic and you end up feeling like a hack when something doesn't pan out the way you thought it would/could.